Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
