Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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