when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
