He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We left the knife in your bed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
