if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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