No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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