i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
