just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
