So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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