Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
