No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
