First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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