I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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