theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
