Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
