I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
