mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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