Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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