Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
