Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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