It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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