i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Are we still banned from the library?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
