these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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