**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
