Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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