So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
