Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
