I love black thongs
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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