After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
