That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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