Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize