I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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