Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
