I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
