watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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