tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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