i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
