last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
