Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
