I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize