what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This is the high leading the old right now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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