do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
