am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
