I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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