Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
