i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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