Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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