I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
