babies were throwing up all over the place
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
