I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize