I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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