he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
