Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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