you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I would ride that face into the sunset
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
