Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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