ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
