The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
