Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
