What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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