if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
