I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
